I am going to release a tumultuous secret:
I used to be a siren. An unsuspected vampiress.
You know the old greek myth of the beautiful mer-woman laying on the rocks, singing so beautifully and temptingly; luring men to their soggy demise. On the side, the blood sucking energy vampire type.
YUP. That was me.
Well minus the actual killing part…or the mer-woman or actual vampire part.
I used to want to be exactly what the man I was seducing wanted.
I would change myself to be more of what he enjoyed.
He liked home cooked meals, I was instantly Martha Stewart. He liked a rough chick, *POOF* I was Joan Jett hanging with the guys at the bar.
He liked you name it and I filled in the blank.
The saddest part is that, this girl in the past; did all of this just so the boy would see her as worthy enough to love and to hold near his heart.
That is all this broken little girl wanted.
She felt like a little walking black hole, searching and lost.
But like little red riding hood, she was unknowingly just inviting the big bad wolf to come take a taste…
I would seduce him with a loving, pampering subservient manor,
with a hint of sexual attraction. He would show me the comfort of his arms, the openness of his heart. He would look to me, to deepen this container of love, he thought we were creating and although every sign I had put up before this was for him and I to make love, to join physically, to finally be one. I would turn and run as fast as a could…right…after…hooking…him.
And when their heart was broken after the I love yous and the I want to be one with you, THAT WANTING…There was the emptiness yet satisfaction that they would always want me. That there was SOMETHING there TO WANT…
There just always felt like something was missing.
BECAUSE THE THING THAT WAS MISSING WAS THE REAL ME…
The girl they were wanting was a walking imaginary princess, a dream.
When really underneath it all was a lying temptress’s act.
I was a girl, not being honest with herself, expecting some man to be honest enough to show her something honest about herself.
But that isn’t how life works you see…
See life attract like…
MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL…
And soon enough the little red, all alone in the woods asking for trouble; saw her mirror image and his name was KARMA.
I fell Romeo and Juliet style in love with a boy that had the mirror image of a black hole in his emotional baggage. Combined the two of us were like an atomic bomb and our emotional problems went deeper than Marry Poppins magic carpet bag.
Just as good at deepening romance and just as good at running.
Except his running was the psychological kind…He was running from reality.Finally, she had found someone who she couldn’t figure out how to get him to truly want her, no matter who she tried to be.
After four years of trying and finding out his drug addiction meant more than my son and I, I had a re-run of my past. When my son was three months old, I packed my bags in the middle of the night and sailed away like a pirate in search for treasure.
And ey wee lassies, she found her treasure…
She wished upon a star, on a clear winter night for someone up above to show her what true love was. Her wish was granted, it was in the heart of the special child she had been raising alone. For this ripened young woman with a shield of ice around her heart, when staring into the eyes of her first true prince. Barely able to feed himself and still in diapers, he was the one who melted her frozen heart. He was the one who showed her, she was actually worth being loved.
For when she looked into the eyes of a child so pure, only truth could further more endure.
And so, finding that love comes from within (not from a “him”), she retired as a heart breaking villain and was re-hired by the universe as the authentic faerie maiden of true love once again.
She lived happily ever after, ever since.